It’s funny how often I find inspiration for this blog by watching my son play high school soccer. This past weekend, he scored BIG during a game, using his header shot. This was significant achievement for him. And it also shed light on a common pitfall of many in the workplace. It’s called The Blame Game.
Here’s some background info:
My son is small for his age. During practice, his coach discouraged him from “heading” the ball because of his size. Instead of complaining about being singled out — after all, this sort of restriction is common in elementary school, but he is in high school! — or using his size as an excuse, he just said, “No, I can do it.” He jumped onto the field of larger athletes who were working on this shot. Because he had the emotional intelligence to move beyond the “unjustness” of the situation, he was able to focus on finding an opportunity to showcase his skills and eventually proved that he can more than compensate for his size by scoring with a header shot.
In my staffing business, I frequently meet professional adults who play The Blame Game. As I get to know these job candidates, a pattern of victimization emerges. When they discuss their job history, they tell many stories of powerlessness and exploitation…
“It’s because I don’t have a degree.”
“It’s because of my speech impediment.”
“It’s because I’m a woman.”
“It’s because I’m overweight.”
Well, let’s be honest. People are denied jobs everyday because of their quirks, background, appearance, etc…. But once gainfully employed, many continue to play The Blame Game and often use their circumstance as an excuse for their lack of success.
When I saw my son take control of the soccer field that day, I witnessed someone who refused to be a victim.
According to Robert Firestone, Ph.D., “To move out of the victimized posture, it is important to identify critical inner voices that focus on injustices, such as “It’s not fair. This shouldn’t be happening to you. What did you ever do to deserve such treatment?” These destructive thoughts encourage passivity and helplessness while discouraging actions that could change an unhappy or untenable situation.”
Of course, even the most secure, levelheaded individuals sometimes feel victimized when their expectations aren’t met. But if you are frequently blaming your circumstances rather than accepting them, you are standing in your own way of success. How can you win The Blame Game at work?
Take charge with these 5 strategies for overcoming the victim mindset.
1) Acknowledge the facts: Start by accepting the fact that you can’t control your circumstances but you can always control your actions. It’s the first step in changing your reality. For example, as a junior officer, there’s nothing you can do about the fact that you are perceived as being young and inexperienced. But you can assume your responsibilities in a mature manner that will help change this perception over time.
2) Don’t ruminate, communicate: Oh woe is me. If you’re dissecting every little, negative thing about your situation, trying to overanalyze and blaming others, you’ll never get where you want to be.
According to Elizabeth Scott, M.S., , “excessive rumination is associated with less proactive behavior, higher disengagement from problems, and an even more negative state of mind as a result.” Instead, try getting to the truth. Have an open, honest dialog about your concerns
A lawyer friend of mine was convinced that a partner in her firm disrespected her because she did not have an Ivy League degree—this was a big professional insecurity of hers. She had an unemotional conversation with the partner, asking him if she was doing something wrong. His response, “No, I’m sorry if I seem hostile or unapproachable. I’m having some personal problems.”
The lesson here: Never make negative assumptions that cast you as a victim —get to the truth. (NOTE: Of course, if you have ongoing, unresolved conflict at work, document conversations and situations.)
3) Find the silver lining: Snap out of it! Instead of always focusing on the negative aspects of your situation, try looking at the positive. For example, if you applied for an internal promotion and were denied the opportunity, don’t sulk. Look on the bright side! By applying for the job, you have shown your supervisors that you are focused on growing within the company. That’s a good thing!
4) Look for opportunities: When you clear your mind of anger and resentment you can start opening your eyes and finding chances to shine. Offer to take minutes at meetings, share vital industry news with colleagues and supervisors, make internal/external introductions that might lead to organizational success, or provide solutions to procedural glitches. These are just some of the many ways you can showcase your professionalism and shine!
5) Give praise: Instead of looking for recognition, praise others at work. For example, if a fellow sales person closes a big deal, send out a congratulatory email highlighting the unique achievement of your coworker. By doing this, YOU look like a winner. This simple action makes you instantly appear secure and authoritative! Plus, you take the focus off of yourself and position yourself as a team player.
Please keep in mind that there are legitimate victims in the workplace and plenty of issues worth complaining about, including those that pose a risk to health and safety, or violate workplace laws, corporate policies or employment contracts.
Do you have any advice on how to stop feeling victimized and start succeeding at work? Please provide your comments below!
Gail Tolstoi-Miller is an award-winning entrepreneur, CEO, career coach and staffing strategist. Her companies, Consultnetworx and Speednetworx are focused on connecting people for mutual fit and success. The firms’ new division, Careernetworx, will soon provide job seekers with exclusive access to training portals and career coaching services. Click here to learn more about Gail’s Dream Job Search System, a proven, accelerated course to help you land your dream job, quick!